Many years ago when I was giving some talks in Thailand, there was a sad story in the Bangkok Times about a British tourist who had been murdered. I didn’t know the victim, but when my Thai travelling companion had finished reading the article, he turned to me and apologized on behalf of the Thai people for her death.
I was very surprised. Had our positions been reversed and there had been a similar death of a Thai national in the UK, I might have discussed it with him. But it would never have occurred to me to apologise.
Has anyone else run into instances where they have received unexpected apologies? Or perhaps failed to make an apology when one might have been due?
This is a long video but interesting I thought, and also relevant to politeness theories.
Some stuff I liked:
Everybody has a talent to interact with other people
Other people are always more interesting than oneself
It’s about the warmth and the charm you can radiate because of your positive interest in others.
If you’re liked, people want to be with you, and if people want to be with you they share opportunities with you, and you observe the way they do things and your life can open up. There are opportunities everywhere…
What counts more than talent… energy….concentration…commitment or anything else is kindness
I think we often approach business English as if it’s about skills for selling, meetings, negotiating, presentations or whatever. But ultimately I suspect most students are actually looking for something that’s more related this stuff – so English skills that will enable them to interact as decent, kind, likeable human beings, so they can make the most of life’s opportunities.
Not all of South America has a positive politeness style. Apparently Peruvians tend to favour negative politeness, as do Columbians. This example comes via a friend of a friend. (Thanks Sabrina)
An English speaking couple were standing at a bus stop in Columbia when they were approached by a guy making a request. The English girl spoke some Spanish and from the guy’s demeanour and what he seemed to be saying, she thought he was asking the time. Her boyfriend was bilingual and understood his intent. ‘He’s mugging us’, he explained. ‘He wants our money.’
Roughly translated, the guy had said:
‘I hate to bother you, but would you please give me all of your money because if you don’t, I will have to harm you. Thank you ever so much for your cooperation.’
Wow, now that’s framing things very gently indeed!
I used to work in Japan where folks answer negative questions the other way round. I had conversations like this:
Me: Can I have everyone’s homework? <Hiroshi, looks flustered>Haven’t you done your homework, Hiroshi?
Hiroshi: Yes (meaning ‘Yes, I haven’t done it’)
Me: Oh good, can I have it then?
Hiroshi: <head tilted to the side and puzzled expression>
Me: Sorry? Didn’t you say you’d done it?
Hiroshi: Yes (meaning ‘I didn’t say I’d done it’)
Me: Have you left it at home?
Hiroshi: <confused silence>
Hiroshi’s answers are compellingly logical – much more logical than mine if you think about it. Before I knew it, I was answering negative questions the Japanese way too. When I went back to the UK, it took me a couple of years to get my head back to a point where I could teach the English answers confidently in a classroom again.
Now the thing is, this was a structuring problem and it was pretty apparent to Hiroshi and myself that we had a problem here. But there are other things that can go on with negative questions to do with pragmatic force that are harder to spot.
For example, in the Slovak and Croatian languages (Slovak and Croatian speakers – please put me right if I’ve got this stuff wrong) they use negative questions a bit like we might use modals in British and American English to make a question more polite. We can do this in English too, as in a cooingly sympathetic ‘Oh, aren’t you feeling well?’. But more commonly we seem to use negative questions to express (mild) irritation or to indicate that something is not quite what we expect it to be. Eg compare the intent conveyed by ‘Can you hurry up?’ and ‘Can’t you hurry up?’
In Slovak, I gather you’d use a negative question form to sound extra polite and friendly. So you might say things like ‘Haven’t you finished yet?’, and ‘Aren’t you ready yet?’ to enquire about someone’s progress when you want to sound extra pleasant. And obviously native English speakers hear this and think ‘Give us a chance!’ or ‘What are you breathing down my neck for?’
So there’s potential for some relationship damage here. If you don’t know what’s going on, it’s easy to conclude someone has a difficult personality or attitude.
Has anyone else got into trouble with negative questions?
My first teaching job was in Algeria. (For more on my first lesson, see here) It was a fantastic experience, but not without its hassles. I was an unveiled female in her twenties and when I did my shopping in the local market, I generally came back with a couple of bags of groceries and a dozen guys following me. They’d be calling things out to try to attract my attention and it wasn’t a very pleasant experience.
I was reminded of this when my daughter took me to Marrakesh last year. It was a wonderful holiday but my daughter is young and beautiful. She proved difficult to ignore so a stroll through the souk could be a bit trying.
One hot, dusty day we ducked into a shop. I was tired, feeling pestered and and bit irritable. The owner offered tea and made ready to engage in some haggling about a bag my daughter was interested in. I’d had some experience of Algerian hospitality and haggling and realised a refusal was – well, not quite right. But nevertheless I declined both offers. The shop keeper’s response was to patiently try to explain the customs to me and I felt a bit ashamed of myself.
Because haggling can be a fun rewarding game of course, if you’re in the mood and willing to engage. I wonder if it’s one that men are socialised to play more than women in the UK and US. (See here for an article that indicates it might impact on salaries.) So there may be gender differences and there are cultural differences, of course.
Haggling is essentially a conversational routine that’s built around a disagreement. I think something is worth X and you think it’s worth Y. Geoffrey Leech reckoned that politeness dictates that we:
‘Minimize the expression of disagreement between self and other; maximize the expression of agreement between self and other.’
But there are two ways to look at disagreements. Yep, they can drive us apart, but they can also draw us together. It’s possible that through the process of argument and a bit of argey bargey, we can sometimes get to understand one another better and achieve a greater closeness.
And that can lead to a few culture clashes. At the risk of sweeping generalization, in Germany people may appreciate a long, frank exchange of views that enables them to become more informed of the issues. So a German team might want to thrash things out in greater detail than a French team, say, who might feel that agreeing to disagree is a more attractive solution.
Similarly, in Israel, disagreeing bluntly may build closeness and trust. The fact that one person can say disagreeable things to another can also signal solidarity – it indicates they think they are both the same kind of people and who want the same kind of things.
We know there’s tons of cultural variation in how people handle disagreements. In Brazil, a passionate argument may demonstrate healthy enthusiasm for an idea. In Singapore, emotional displays may be seen as a sign of weakness and a lack of control. In Japan, people may prefer to ask a string of questions rather than say they disagree.
But neverthless, on a hot, dusty day, haggling may be a conversational routine that much of the world would rather avoid.
I was reminded of this when my daughter took me to Marrakesh last year. It was a wonderful holiday but my daughter is young and beautiful. She proved difficult to ignore so a stroll through the souk could be a bit trying.